Wall Crawl Vol. 1

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When you think of Detroit, Michigan, some things that probably come to mind are: extremely high crime rate, bankruptcy, decrepit/derelict houses, or bitter cold (It’s So Cold In The D). You may also think of cars because Detroit, also known as the Motor City, is the automotive capital of the world.

Even though I’ve only been to visit twice, Detroit seems like a pretty cool city! They have a ton of cute coffee shops, an amazing public library, and some really gorgeous architecture; but my favorite part of the city is the street art. Detroit has some of the most beautiful, colorful murals I have ever seen, and they’re everywhere. As much as I love to look at pictures of myself, throw in a colorful background and all bets are off.

 

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Most of these works of art were found in alleyways and parking garages. It’s now my mission in life to find the color in all of the cities I visit, even if it’s below freezing and both mine and my sexy photographer’s hands are red and chapped from the cold…

 

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Registry 101

 

Joel and I are NOT registering anywhere for wedding gifts. We have a house that we completely renovated and furnished. We are in no need of a new toaster or  a blender. Not only do we not really need anything, but this method will hopefully make it a lot easier on our out of town guests, because who wants to have to check a mid century modern desk?! Not registering for gifts is the polite way of saying “we just want cash”. I wish we could register at a bank…

All that being said, I did decide to do a registry for my upcoming bridal shower. When I say “I decided” I mean that my wedding coordinator/planner/future mother-in-law suggested it and I do whatever she tells me to (not because she is my wedding coordinator/planner/future mother-in-law, but because her ideas are the best). I went to the happiest place on earth, Target, to do so. So far on my list of things I want: 5 different fluffy decorative pillows, 3 lamps, a box of Cap’N Crunch Berries, 2 Geodes, and 1 Lego Star Wars X-Wing Fighter.

And that’s reason number two Joel and I are not registering for our wedding… we will end up with a house full of really stupid shit and cereal.

Faux Fur For Sure

 

If there’s one thing I love in life (you know, besides God, Joel, my friends, my family, my job, etc.) it’s animals. I love animals so much. I love furry animals, scaly animals, and slimy animals; you name it I love it.

That being said, I also love to eat animals. Furry animals, scaly animals, and slimy animals; you name it, I eat it. I want to be a vegetarian, I’ve tried so hard, but somehow bacon always finds it way into my mouth. Do you think I think about Sir Pierre Pigsby, the mini pig my BFF gave me for my 22nd birthday but had to eventually sell because he kept pooping in my sister’s room, every time I eat a pulled pork taco? I don’t. AT LEAST I’M NOT EATING DOGS, OKAY?!

As a way to clear my conscience, because so so many cows have fallen to the fate of my fork, I have made the important life decision to forgo fur. I’m faux fur fo sure.  It’s the least I can do. Also, I can’t afford real fur. You’re welcome, rabbits of the world.

 

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Thank you, Laura The Band Wife Gummerman for taking a stand with me against fur. Now let’s go get a burger.

 

 

Before anyone decides to send our names in to PETA as goodwill ambassadors to animals, know that Laura and I both own leather jackets (sorry again, cows) and that I am first in line to receive my grandmother’s Mink when she dies, and that will be about the time that I forget I ever had anything against wearing real fur. So was this blog post just some cheap ploy to get you to look at pictures of Laura and I being cute and blonde? Was that not obvious from the get go?

 

 

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Oh yeah, we also have matching pink feather jackets, made with real turkey feathers. I’m just going to assume that when everyone was eating turkey for Thanksgiving, JOA was working very hard to use all of the otherwise useless feathers to make these. Whatever, it ain’t fur.

Hold Me, Tinder

I respect the crap out of online dating! I’ve never made an account for myself but, wait, that’s a lie… I made an eHarmony profile when I was 19, but when I got to the end of the survey part, they wanted me to pay for it and was like “byeeeeee”. It takes balls to put yourself out there. My sister met her current BF, whom we all love, because she accidentally swiped right on his Tinder profile when she was drunk at my Fourth of Ju-Luau party. And my friend Lauren met her current fiancé on match.com.

Although I’m a  cheerleader for all love stories, I especially love hearing my friends’ online dating horror stories. Like when my super sweet friend, Megan, went out with a guy who was an entire foot shorter than her and he was, like, creepily obsessed with Disney. All things Disney, like, went to Disney World a few times a year… alone. She said he quoted Aladdin multiple times during dinner, didn’t pay, then insisted on following her to her car. Also, he had a beeper. I’m sure he was a nice guy deep down, but gross. My BFF Jessica once had her second date with a guy she met via OKcupid at mine and Joel’s house just to prove how annoying this guy was. I kept telling her to give him a chance, and then I met him and he talked shit about Harry Potter, then just wouldn’t stop talking. We had to get rid of him, but since he was one of those guys that just can’t take a hint, we had to scheme a little to avoid hurt feelings (because he knows where I live now). I texted our other friend/Jessica’s roomate,  Jamie, and told her to call Jess with a made up emergency (omg I might be pregnant! help!) so that Talkie could take Jess home to have girl talk. It worked out, we haven’t seen, or heard, Talkie ever since. Seriously though, if you have good online dating stories, please email me.

If we lived in a parallel universe, and I had not met my fiancé, I like to think that the seriously weird compatibility of our hypothetical Tinder profiles would magically bring us together.

 

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Sarah, 26. 1,492 miles from you.                                    active 2 seconds ago

“Some obscure quote that proves that I’m interesting” and I’m only here for the free food.

 

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Joel, 28. 1,492 miles from you                                             active, like, never

Seeking: Intelligent women; waitresses. Hobbies: Magnets. Likes: Ghouls (the little green ones) Dislikes: People’s knees. Cover your knees if you’re gonna be walking around everywhere! Favorite Foods: Milksteak boiled over hard, jelly beans (raw, of course) Smoke: Whatever’s around! Drink: OK! Religion: Highly susceptible to cults.

Daaaaaaamn… I’d swipe right.

NYE 2015

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New Year’s Eve, or the holiday with the highest expectations and most exuberant letdowns, is upon us once again. For the first time, maybe ever, I’m excited about our plans for the night. I peer pressured some of our besties, Nick and Sarah, to host a party at their house, which is conveniently located down the street. Because fuck going to a bar on NYE.

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I realize now what New Year’s Eve is and is not about. It’s not about where you go, it’s about who you’re with and, more importantly, what you wear. Last year, I had a case of the gastroenteritis out the a-hole (literally); I got all dressed up in my sequin mini dress + Louboutins, had a quick barf before leaving the house, paid the $10 cover to get into a shady bar where I immediately begged to go home because I needed to vom again. It took every ounce of concentration not to be sick all over the back seat of the Lyft car. Without getting into the dirty details (like the color of all of this vomit, which was a weird shade of yellow) I will tell you that the moral of the story is this: I was happy to ring in the new year with the love of my life even though it was spent on the bathroom floor and I couldn’t actually see Joel because he was standing behind me, holding back my hair, but I knew he was there. That my friends, is a great New Year’s! I lost, like, 3 pounds.

Another necessity for NYE is sequins. Or something sparkly. I want to shine like the top of the freaking Chrysler building. I want to literally stop traffic. I want to… ah shit, I ran out of shiny metaphors.

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So whether you’re going out and dancing the night away or staying in and drinking your sorrows, I hope you have a happy and safe New Year! Let’s make 2015 our bitch.

xoxo, S

 

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Woman Of The Hour Vol 1

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My future father-in-law has told me, on multiple occasions, that sometimes it’s not what you know, but who you know, you know? I think he was specifically talking about his daughter (my future sister-in-law), Laura. She is one of our family’s very own celebrities (after this post goes live, I’ll consider myself a celebrity as well). Not only is she a staff writer for the world famous A Beautiful Mess, but she has her own personal blog that, like, legit rules. (We even collaborated one time before).
When you get to know a person by following them all over the Internet, there’s a chance you don’t actually know him/her at all… Since I have a real life, personal relationship with @gummergal, I want to take this opportunity to let the rest of the world get to really know the real Laura Gummerman.

 

1. Describe your style in 1-5 words. Either extremely casual or slightly outrageous. (e.i. t-shirt and jeans or long feather dress).
[I’m no mathematician, but that was more than 5 words]
2. Who is your #1 style icon? Heidi Klum on her days off mixed with Brigitte Bardot.
3. Besides your winning personality/sense of humor, what is your best feature? (smile? hair? boobs? idk) Hmmm, I probably get the most hair compliments from strangers so I’ll say hair. And I think I actually have pretty decent hands which is why I’m branching into professional hand modeling like George from Seinfeld. I’ve already let it go to my head.
4. What song would you want to play when you walk into a room that would make you feel like a badass? You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC

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5. What beauty product(s) can you not live without? Three things. Eyebrow pencil (I have, like, no eyebrows otherwise), under eye concealer stick, and coconut oil for my supes dry face.
6. Are you currently binge watching anything, Netflix or otherwise? Re-watching The Mindy Project so I can get to the new episodes that just came out and we just caught up on Last Man on Earth all in one night recently. Mindy is my jaaaaaam.
7. What is your favorite Halloween costume you’ve ever had? Probably when I recreated the red dress and was Buttercup from The Princess Bride. Todd shaved the grossest little pencil mustache to be Westley, but it was awesome!
8. If you and Todd (your husband) could take another international vacation together, where would you want to go? I’d go straight back to Paris! This time I’d head down to the southern coast as well though so we’d get some beach action in.
9. Does Todd agree with your previous answer? Totally! We didn’t want to leave at all when it was time to go! Croissants, late dinners, people watching, authentic Italian pizza…it’s my spot.
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10. Besides my winning personality/sense of humor, what is your favorite thing about me? How you are the perfect mix of JLaw and Amy Schumer, how we always like the same exact things, and happy you make my brother (tear face emoji).
11. When you found out that your little brother was dating someone, did you find me online? i.e. cyber stalk? Duhzizes! Of course. I was glad to see how funny you were, but the internet did not prepare me for how tall you are in person…I totally felt like a pocket Kardashian when I hugged you.
12. What is your favorite thing about writing your own blog? That it’s all about MEEEEE!!! JK. That I can do whatever I want whenever I want. It’s a pretty casual set-up since it’s for fun and not my main source of income, so I just post whatever I like. And I like to hear from other Band Wives that are like, “Yo. This life is cray-cray, right? Thanks for keeping it real.” And I’m like, “Word girl, you know I do what I do.” It’s a little weird community.

 

13. What are your least and top favorite current fashion trends? Uh, least is the “homeschooled in the 90’s” look with the tiny flower print culottes and favorite trend is “cool in school in the 90’s” with grungy influenced ripped denim and plaid options.
14. What’s your drink of choice? Boring old red wine because it’s low in sugar and my weird body does well with that sort of thing. Favorite gross bar/bowling alley drink is a cherry cheesecake with vanilla vodka and cranberry juice. It’s 100% sugar.
15. Give me an example of your biggest fashion mistake and your biggest fashion win. Biggest fashion mistake was when I was 13 and liked the baggy jean look but didn’t actually own any baggy jeans so I took my low crotch overalls and tucked the bib and straps into the inside of the pants. Voila! Baggy crotch pants! The buckles inside the legs would jingle when I walked and my sister Rachel would only walk 20 feet behind me when we went to the mall. Biggest win? Maybe my all black ensemble I wore in Paris this summer. A feather skirt, cropped boxy top, ankle breaking heels and a vintage pink Hermes scarf- on point son!
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There you have it, folks, a little insight to your other favorite blonde blogger. And if you were wondering, yes, Laura is just as beautiful in person. Sometimes I stare at her face to find maybe a single pore(?) and have had no such luck. More important than looks, though, is her sense of humor. She is one of only two or three people who is funnier than me, which means she is DEFINITELY funnier than you. Love you, Lah-Rah!

Me So Hungry

I’m sure I’m not the only one who gains, like, 10 pounds every single holiday season. (there is so much good food and beer just laying around at any minute, and who cares I’m on vacation!) It’s okay though because I almost always make a New Years Resolution that revolves around losing my Christmas food baby which I never hold up (New Years Resolutions are made to be immediately broken, and pizza is good).

With this whole wedding thing coming up and my desire to fit into my wedding dress, I’m going to try to take it easy on all the treats this year. If I just look at pictures of things that are delicious, maybe that’ll tide me over until May?

 

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Merry eve of the eve of the eve of Christmas Eve, everyone! I can smell the pumpkin roll baking downstairs, so I’ve barricaded myself in my room for the night…

a blog BY ladies FOR ladies