Dear Douchebag


You would not believe the things that come out of my mouth sometimes (better out than in, amIright?!). Actually, since I have this whole blog [usually] talking about none other than Me, Me, Me, maybe the fact that I can be a pretentious asshole isn’t completely unbelievable.

I am a big fan of thinking before I speak. I don’t ever just blurt shit out, but sometimes even though I know that the sentence that’s about to weasel it’s way out of my mouth is going to be a douchey one, I say it anyway. There are just a few repeat offenders that I wish I could stop saying, but probably never will… I can judge how much of a douchebag I sound like by the scale of an eye roll (1 to Liz Lemon) I get from Joel (my fiancé).

  1. “The Book Was Better”- I read a lot and 99% of the time, the books are better than the movie or TV adaptations (with the exception of Game of Thrones… suck a bag of dicks, George RR). When I watch Joel’s face after I say this phrase, it looks like his eyes are going to get permanently stuck in the backs of their sockets.
  2. “I’m a Blogger”- WELL I AM, OKAY?! I write this blog and, sure, it’s for fun, but I still write it. This particular sentence gets me zero eye roll action because I’m the one who thinks it makes me sound like a total douche, not Joel.
  3. “I’ve Been to Europe”- I’ve been to one country so far, Holland, but I’ve still been. See, I’m cultured. *Big eye roll, HUGE!*
  4. “I Went There Before It was Cool”- Ever heard of Prada, Marfa? I went there in 2011, which was way before Beyonce went and before I even had an Instagram account. EYE ROLL EYE ROLL EYE ROLL EYE ROLL EYE ROLL.

Poor Joel, he probably didn’t realize until just now that he’s marrying such a grade A doucher. At least I’m pretty, right?!


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