Coulda Woulda SHOULDA

One of my favorite places in all of Pittsburgh is The Andy Warhol museum. I LOVE ANDY WARHOL. I LOVE POP ART. I LOVE IT ALL. I love that when Andy was making giant, colorful screen prints of Campbell’s Soup cans, critics everywhere were saying “that’s not art” and AW said “art is anything you can get away with”. That’s a quote to live by.

Joel and I had one of our first dates at the Warhol and have been back quite a few times since because they have free admission (and wine, not free but still wine) on Friday nights in January. Last year, on a cold January Friday night we went with Joel’s parents and some friends to enjoy the free museum night. I was convinced that this would be the night Joel would propose to me. He’d do it in front of my favorite Skull painting and everyone would cry and cheer.

He did not propose that night. Womp womp.

Fast forward a few months and Joel finally did propose and we were in search of a wedding venue.

We were this close to booking the Andy Warhol museum as our wedding venue. Can you even imagine how cool that’d be?! 110 of our friends and family dancing the night away in the shiny silver lobby, being watched over by the taxidermy Great Dane, Cecil, and 25 Cats Named Sam. We would have said our vows and I dos under the watchful eyes of Marilyn Monroe and Jackie O. We could have served gourmet pizza at the reception. We maybe shouldda done it, but we picked our number one wedding venue choice instead of our number two. However amazing this would have, could have been, I think ours will be even better. 104 more days!

 

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Dear Douchebag

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You would not believe the things that come out of my mouth sometimes (better out than in, amIright?!). Actually, since I have this whole blog [usually] talking about none other than Me, Me, Me, maybe the fact that I can be a pretentious asshole isn’t completely unbelievable.

I am a big fan of thinking before I speak. I don’t ever just blurt shit out, but sometimes even though I know that the sentence that’s about to weasel it’s way out of my mouth is going to be a douchey one, I say it anyway. There are just a few repeat offenders that I wish I could stop saying, but probably never will… I can judge how much of a douchebag I sound like by the scale of an eye roll (1 to Liz Lemon) I get from Joel (my fiancé).

  1. “The Book Was Better”- I read a lot and 99% of the time, the books are better than the movie or TV adaptations (with the exception of Game of Thrones… suck a bag of dicks, George RR). When I watch Joel’s face after I say this phrase, it looks like his eyes are going to get permanently stuck in the backs of their sockets.
  2. “I’m a Blogger”- WELL I AM, OKAY?! I write this blog and, sure, it’s for fun, but I still write it. This particular sentence gets me zero eye roll action because I’m the one who thinks it makes me sound like a total douche, not Joel.
  3. “I’ve Been to Europe”- I’ve been to one country so far, Holland, but I’ve still been. See, I’m cultured. *Big eye roll, HUGE!*
  4. “I Went There Before It was Cool”- Ever heard of Prada, Marfa? I went there in 2011, which was way before Beyonce went and before I even had an Instagram account. EYE ROLL EYE ROLL EYE ROLL EYE ROLL EYE ROLL.

Poor Joel, he probably didn’t realize until just now that he’s marrying such a grade A doucher. At least I’m pretty, right?!

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The Honeymooners

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Honeymoon planning is in full swing and WE ARE SO EXCITED because we’re going on a… Eurotrip! Joel’s never been to Europe (I’ve totally been to Europe, okay) so he is marginally more excited than me, but we are both through the roof elated. Because Joel is smarter than the average person and really good at saving up airline miles, he was able to score us round trip tickets to/from Paris for $400. That’s four-hundred dollars (US) TOTAL for both of us to get to and from Paris, France. Let that sink in a minute.

Okay now that you have picked yourself up off of the floor you just fell onto, let’s talk honeymoon… We all know why most couples choose easy, relaxing, tropical locations for their honeymoon (nudge nudge bow chicka bow wow) and let me just say, I totally get it. Initially, I wanted to go to the Virgin Islands just so I could make this joke: “more like not-so-Virgin Islands, amIright?!” but I was convinced by my beloved that we should think outside the honeymoon box, i.e. Europe, because 1) YOLO and 2) we’ll be on our honeymoon, but we’re going to have to come up for air on occasion and why not make that part be exploring amazing places. Plus, we are going to the Dominican Republic three weeks before our wedding for our friends’ wedding, so WE ALL WIN.

Here are our plans so far:

First stop Paris (oui oui mon cheri)- we’ll be spending one night in Paris at the beginning of our trip, then three nights at the end. Quelle romantique.

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Next stop Stuttgart, Gemany (AHHHH, MOTHERLAND!)- We both want to go to Germany because we are both so German, but I think Joel picked Stuttgart because it’s the home of Porshe and Mercedes and all other German engineered vehicles. They also have one of the best libraries in the world. And castles. They have castles.

After Stuttgart we’re hopping on a midnight train to Georgia Munich, where we will get hammered at the original Hofbrauhaus and soak up each other’s awesomeness.

Next we will high-tail it out of Deutschland, and make a break for Italy. I’d venture to say that this is the part of our trip that I am most excited for! I love everything about Italian culture: the food, the people, the accent, the traditions; SWOON! We’re going to begin our Italian extravaganza in The City Of Love, Venice.

So the next part is where we haven’t exactly settled on a place. I’d love to hit up Burano because it is so beautiful and is known as one of the most colorful cities in the world, not to mention it is so close to Venice. We are torn between Verona and Milan as our next place to rest our pretty little heads, but I think my inner fashionista will trump my inner Shakespearean nerd.

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Then we’ll pick one of the towns that make up beautiful Cinque Terre. Holy crap, I’m getting so pumped just writing all of this down and looking at these pictures!

Au Revoir, Italy! The Blumers are heading back to France! Nice and Monaco to be exact.. I think this is the part of our trip that my future husband is most excited for because we’ll be in the South of France at the same time as the Monaco Grand Prix. I can’t wait to rub elbows with some of the world’s elite crowd! We plan on getting invited onto at least one yacht.

And then back to Paris.

Joel and I agreed that he would learn some Italian and I would brush up on my French and we’re just assuming that everyone in Germany speaks English. I think I’ll be an overachiever and learn some Italian too. We are now taking any recommendations that anyone has for these amazing places, so if you’ve been let us know what you think we should see/eat/drink/do.

*all pictures found on Pinterest (I’m too lazy to find all of the specific links, please don’t sue me)

Wall Crawl Vol. 1

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When you think of Detroit, Michigan, some things that probably come to mind are: extremely high crime rate, bankruptcy, decrepit/derelict houses, or bitter cold (It’s So Cold In The D). You may also think of cars because Detroit, also known as the Motor City, is the automotive capital of the world.

Even though I’ve only been to visit twice, Detroit seems like a pretty cool city! They have a ton of cute coffee shops, an amazing public library, and some really gorgeous architecture; but my favorite part of the city is the street art. Detroit has some of the most beautiful, colorful murals I have ever seen, and they’re everywhere. As much as I love to look at pictures of myself, throw in a colorful background and all bets are off.

 

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Most of these works of art were found in alleyways and parking garages. It’s now my mission in life to find the color in all of the cities I visit, even if it’s below freezing and both mine and my sexy photographer’s hands are red and chapped from the cold…

 

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Registry 101

 

Joel and I are NOT registering anywhere for wedding gifts. We have a house that we completely renovated and furnished. We are in no need of a new toaster or  a blender. Not only do we not really need anything, but this method will hopefully make it a lot easier on our out of town guests, because who wants to have to check a mid century modern desk?! Not registering for gifts is the polite way of saying “we just want cash”. I wish we could register at a bank…

All that being said, I did decide to do a registry for my upcoming bridal shower. When I say “I decided” I mean that my wedding coordinator/planner/future mother-in-law suggested it and I do whatever she tells me to (not because she is my wedding coordinator/planner/future mother-in-law, but because her ideas are the best). I went to the happiest place on earth, Target, to do so. So far on my list of things I want: 5 different fluffy decorative pillows, 3 lamps, a box of Cap’N Crunch Berries, 2 Geodes, and 1 Lego Star Wars X-Wing Fighter.

And that’s reason number two Joel and I are not registering for our wedding… we will end up with a house full of really stupid shit and cereal.

Faux Fur For Sure

 

If there’s one thing I love in life (you know, besides God, Joel, my friends, my family, my job, etc.) it’s animals. I love animals so much. I love furry animals, scaly animals, and slimy animals; you name it I love it.

That being said, I also love to eat animals. Furry animals, scaly animals, and slimy animals; you name it, I eat it. I want to be a vegetarian, I’ve tried so hard, but somehow bacon always finds it way into my mouth. Do you think I think about Sir Pierre Pigsby, the mini pig my BFF gave me for my 22nd birthday but had to eventually sell because he kept pooping in my sister’s room, every time I eat a pulled pork taco? I don’t. AT LEAST I’M NOT EATING DOGS, OKAY?!

As a way to clear my conscience, because so so many cows have fallen to the fate of my fork, I have made the important life decision to forgo fur. I’m faux fur fo sure.  It’s the least I can do. Also, I can’t afford real fur. You’re welcome, rabbits of the world.

 

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Thank you, Laura The Band Wife Gummerman for taking a stand with me against fur. Now let’s go get a burger.

 

 

Before anyone decides to send our names in to PETA as goodwill ambassadors to animals, know that Laura and I both own leather jackets (sorry again, cows) and that I am first in line to receive my grandmother’s Mink when she dies, and that will be about the time that I forget I ever had anything against wearing real fur. So was this blog post just some cheap ploy to get you to look at pictures of Laura and I being cute and blonde? Was that not obvious from the get go?

 

 

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Oh yeah, we also have matching pink feather jackets, made with real turkey feathers. I’m just going to assume that when everyone was eating turkey for Thanksgiving, JOA was working very hard to use all of the otherwise useless feathers to make these. Whatever, it ain’t fur.

Hold Me, Tinder

I respect the crap out of online dating! I’ve never made an account for myself but, wait, that’s a lie… I made an eHarmony profile when I was 19, but when I got to the end of the survey part, they wanted me to pay for it and was like “byeeeeee”. It takes balls to put yourself out there. My sister met her current BF, whom we all love, because she accidentally swiped right on his Tinder profile when she was drunk at my Fourth of Ju-Luau party. And my friend Lauren met her current fiancé on match.com.

Although I’m a  cheerleader for all love stories, I especially love hearing my friends’ online dating horror stories. Like when my super sweet friend, Megan, went out with a guy who was an entire foot shorter than her and he was, like, creepily obsessed with Disney. All things Disney, like, went to Disney World a few times a year… alone. She said he quoted Aladdin multiple times during dinner, didn’t pay, then insisted on following her to her car. Also, he had a beeper. I’m sure he was a nice guy deep down, but gross. My BFF Jessica once had her second date with a guy she met via OKcupid at mine and Joel’s house just to prove how annoying this guy was. I kept telling her to give him a chance, and then I met him and he talked shit about Harry Potter, then just wouldn’t stop talking. We had to get rid of him, but since he was one of those guys that just can’t take a hint, we had to scheme a little to avoid hurt feelings (because he knows where I live now). I texted our other friend/Jessica’s roomate,  Jamie, and told her to call Jess with a made up emergency (omg I might be pregnant! help!) so that Talkie could take Jess home to have girl talk. It worked out, we haven’t seen, or heard, Talkie ever since. Seriously though, if you have good online dating stories, please email me.

If we lived in a parallel universe, and I had not met my fiancé, I like to think that the seriously weird compatibility of our hypothetical Tinder profiles would magically bring us together.

 

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Sarah, 26. 1,492 miles from you.                                    active 2 seconds ago

“Some obscure quote that proves that I’m interesting” and I’m only here for the free food.

 

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Joel, 28. 1,492 miles from you                                             active, like, never

Seeking: Intelligent women; waitresses. Hobbies: Magnets. Likes: Ghouls (the little green ones) Dislikes: People’s knees. Cover your knees if you’re gonna be walking around everywhere! Favorite Foods: Milksteak boiled over hard, jelly beans (raw, of course) Smoke: Whatever’s around! Drink: OK! Religion: Highly susceptible to cults.

Daaaaaaamn… I’d swipe right.